Is Monogamy Outdated?

Marriage is an institution afterall

I remember the first time I heard the idea that monogamy was an outdated concept—it was Tom Cruise in the late 90s or early 2000s. At the time, I, along with many others, thought it was just another excuse for people (men in particular) to be unfaithful or constantly chase something new.

Now, as I get older—mid-40s and going through a divorce—I find myself thinking about monogamy in a more nuanced way. Divorce opens up new conversations both with other divorcees but single and looking, single and not looking, and particiularly married people.

A 2012 study found that 63% of people who claimed to be lonely were actually married. While we know that marriage can offer psychosocial benefits, there’s also strong evidence that married couples who experience loneliness face significant health issues, such as psychological problems, autoimmune disorders, and even heart disease.

Beyond just research, my personal experience as someone who’s recently single has made me realize how many people are unhappily married. Just this past weekend, I had an in-depth conversation with a friend about marriage and monogamy, questioning whether society has set up marriage to be more of a prison than a place for growth, love, and support. We were discussing the root cause of cheating…

A friend of mine recently told me that, out of all the couples he knows, only about 10% seem happy. Personally, I’ve heard more complaints, feelings of loneliness, stories of cheating, and a lot of people asking for advice on how to leave their marriages than I’ve heard about happy, fulfilling relationships.

I recognize that there’s a strong bias here, and context matters—after all, I’m in the middle of a divorce myself. So, naturally, people who are going through struggles in their marriages are more likely to talk to me about their troubles. Still, it does make me wonder about the state of marriage overall. With estimates suggesting that up to 70% of married couples are unhappy, and with divorce rates between 40-50%, another 10-15% of couples separating without officially divorcing, it seems that many people are staying in unhappy marriages, simply because they feel they have no other choice.

Marriage, after all, is a social construct. As a sociologist, I can’t help but look at the patterns of behavior around it. Marriage has been around for over 2,300 years, but it originally served more as a business deal between landowners or royalty to keep wealth within certain circles. Over time, it became entangled with legal, social, cultural, and religious norms, with monogamy between a husband and wife (gender normative) becoming the cultural standard, especially with the rise of Christianity.

Many modern marriage traditions, like the engagement ring, the wedding, and the white dress, stem from traditional cultural practices such as dowries, but they’ve been heavily influenced by marketing—like De Beers’ famous campaign for diamond engagement rings. These concepts aren’t necessarily rooted in the deeper meaning of marriage, but in capitalism.

If we acknowledge that marriage is driven by social norms, capitalism, and religion (and religion itself has capitalist influences), then can we argue that the institution of marriage—along with its emphasis on monogamy—is more about societal pressures than genuine love?

If people are staying married because of societal taboos about divorce, financial concerns, child-rearing responsibilities, or fear of losing social support, is it possible that we’re going against the natural course of human behavior by insisting on monogamy?

I’m not saying monogamy is unnatural; I’m asking whether our cultural norms surrounding marriage—those that tie people together "for eternity" from a religious standpoint, or the inability to separate due to capitalist pressures—might be preventing us from evolving in our relationships.

Monogamy has its roots in the shift from hunting and gathering societies to settled communities, but evidence suggests that ancient partnerships were often based on the need for child-rearing, not necessarily lifelong commitments.

Monogamy isn’t abnormal, but perhaps what’s truly abnormal is the social pressure to marry, to have children by a certain age, to work in jobs we dislike to afford lifestyles that don’t fulfill us, and to stay in relationships that might no longer serve us—because of social, religious, or cultural expectations. These norms can breed loneliness, isolation, and feelings of being misunderstood, which often contribute to marital problems.

What if we didn’t have this societal norm to get married and start a family by a certain age? What would life look like for people? How might their choices change if social norms were different?

As society shifts—divorce is becoming more normalized, though many still feel trapped in their marriages, and open relationships and blended families are becoming more accepted (even if still socially judged)—I’ve been wondering: Is lifelong monogamy truly normal, or is it likely that, as we go through different stages of our lives, our needs, desires, and attractions change?

For the record, I value monogamy and, personally, I don’t like to share, but after experiencing the end of a long-term relationship, I can see how we often overstay our marriages. No one enters a marriage expecting to divorce, so we tend to hold on too long. For those with children, the emotional and financial stakes are even higher, and that often results in people sticking around longer, even when they’re unhappy.

Divorce is hard—especially because we’ve built a system that creates an unequal balance of labor and partnership, where men tend to make more money, which complicates the dynamics of leaving and women tend more to the family, even while also working full time.

Maybe marriage isn’t about love, or even about monogamy. Maybe the very social construct of marriage alters how we experience love. That’s my theory, at least. A friend recently told me “they don’t call it an instuition for nothing”.

Perhaps we all do love deeply and passionately, but as life changes us, so do our needs, desires, and how we love. The problem is, we live in a world that doesn’t allow that change. In fact, it often punishes us for it.

Maybe the state of marriage isn’t really about whether or not people love each other, but about whether we’ve created a society where marriage benefits some and weakens others. A recent study even suggested that the happiest people are married men and single women. That’s a pretty stark contradiction, considering that marriage is often seen as benefiting men more than women, particularly from a psychosocial perspective.

Maybe monogamy isn’t the issue here, but rather the deeply ingrained challenges in our society that force people into outdated social norms. Because of this, people end up seeking fulfillment in unhealthy ways—through affairs, disassociation, food, porn, alcohol, or endless scrolling through social media.

Perhaps monogamy is natural, but it has a natural life cycle. Some people might find a soulmate for life, while others grow and evolve in ways that lead them to find different soulmates at different stages. Maybe our biggest challenge is constantly trying to fit ourselves into relationship dynamics that were never meant to work for everyone.

For me, I do dream of a soulmate who’s loyal. But I also wonder: Does that desire shape my experience of relationships in a way that’s unrealistic? Do I base my expectations of love on romanticized ideas from novels and rom-coms—the story of a ruthless man who’s transformed by a woman’s love, and then fights for her to live happily ever after?

What if relationships have levels, and we’re meant to experience them at different stages? Instead of leaving when we’re unhappy, what if we stay, clinging to an idealized version of what we think the relationship should be, instead of accepting what it actually is—until one or both of us gets tired of holding onto a sinking ship?

I’m not against marriage or monogamy. In fact, I value both and still hold onto the belief that love will find me again. That said, I can honestly say that I don’t see myself getting married again—not in the legal, "piece of paper" sense. Through my divorce, I realized that a piece of paper doesn’t create love, loyalty, or monogamy—and I don’t feel I need it anymore.

What I do need is far more than what I settled for because of that paper.

I believe relationships can be one of the most powerful sources of intimacy, happiness, love, and connection—things we all need as humans. But the question remains: Why are up to 70% of married people unhappy, and nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce?

I don’t have the answers, but Single in the City is about asking these questions, having those complex conversations, and exploring the deeper questions about what truly drives us—and, more importantly, which social norms no longer serve us and set us up for failing because we’re living into expectations instead of love.

Love,

Tonya

PS… let me know your thoughts in the comments :) Or feel free to reach out to me with questions or comments.

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