It was shade.
Competition.
Gaslighting.
And the inability to safely be me without attempts to make being made feel small.
My grief.
My pain.
And when I spoke up about it
Explosion.
Then nothing.
So I let there be nothing.
I have finally learned to stop going back to people, places, and things that make me feel small, incapable or wrong about who I am and what I need.
I’m deep.
I’m an ocean.
I cannot suppress myself anymore.
I no longer wish for people who want only the happy Tonya.
Because life is filled with tragedy.
And hardship.
And we shouldn’t stay in places or with people that rob us of our feelings.
They aren’t bad or shameful.
They don’t make us less.
They don’t hold us back except when we suppress them.
They just wait for us.
They require us to not heal.
When we let ourselves go through the processing of the things we go through
We heal.
Healing changes us.
It’s supposed to.
We’re not supposed to be one thing all the time.
Forever.
There are 3000 words for human emotions.
And we’re only allowed to show a couple.
To be accepted.
But what I learned is that any environment that makes you feel less than,
Any person who can’t apologize,
Any person who throws shade as a joke,
Any person who tells you how to feel and invalidates your experience,
Are not safe places.
And I’ve stayed in unsafe places with unsafe people for too long.
I never will again.
I never will allow myself to be suppressed into the version of me that someone else wants.
Because if we are not safe to be ourselves then we have to abandon ourselves.
To stay.
To keep the peace.
To fit.
And I’ve spent too many of my 44 years calling myself back home to myself after leaving parts of me scattered to be palatable.
Like a moth to a flame, those spaces felt like home for so long.
But now they feel like they should. Unhealthy.
And I know who I am and what I need.
It doesn’t mean I don’t miss parts of them and parts of it all. The good parts.
Finally, I understand that it’s not about right or wrong or good or bad but it’s about how we feel in those places and if we feel misunderstood, small, or unable to have a dialogue about our emotions or experiences and be heard without yelled at, gaslit or left feeling like we shouldn’t have spoken up.
Instead, I know now that even if I was wrong, speaking from my pain, I still deserved a soft landing space, like I’ve given so many others so many times.
But have never been given one.
And if my darkest days you were committed to misunderstanding me, there is no room in the future with me.
Because I can’t forget the disrespect and the pain and hurt that I was inflected when I was already so deeply hurting.
I can’t forget the few moments when I felt good and was the butt of the “joke” or how my business was tossed around, uncaring, as if I was just a good-time girl with no feelings.
I can’t forget that I have to be half of myself and only be there on my good days.
And honestly, if I have to be half of myself I simply can’t anymore.
So I’ll miss the good times and honour them and I’ll take the painful lessons to remind me to keep moving forward because safe people and soft places to land do exist.
I know this because I am in one of those places.
And finally, I do believe I deserve it as much as anyone else.
I don’t deserve to be only a safe place for others but for myself too.
Finally, I stopped going back and knew that what was ahead would never ask me to reduce myself.
Love,
Tonya
www.tonyawhittle.com
You deserve to be fully yourself, a safe place for yourself and anyone who doesn’t think so be damned! Healing is damn hard but so worth it; you’re worth it and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!